I don’t speak “healthy relationship”. Coming from a long line of dysfunctional and disheartening relationships, I suppose I fell victim to the belief that this was normal and I never took the time to learn anything else. Now, I’m learning just how crazy that is. And, until I’m able to learn “healthy” as a second language, I think I may need a translator.
There is this widely held belief that men spook easily, kind of like horses. There are certain subjects that need to be handled delicately, like saying I love you for the first time and talking about moving in together. Women are trained to give men their space so as not to appear clingy or too needy. While this isn’t the fifties and I don’t believe in women being seen and not heard or barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen, I do admit to having fallen prey to holding back for the sake of moving forward. It’s amazing how stupid that sounds when reading it back. I can’t think of anything that propels forward by being held back other than toy cars. I am not a toy car.
Suddenly, I’m in a relationship that involves open communication, talking about our feelings and the future and seeing each other as often as possible. This is strange and unfamiliar ground. CC talks about everything, tells me he feels like I’m his best friend. He talks about the what-ifs of moving in together and, when I respond with shock that he thinks about these things, he responds by saying “well isn’t that the point of all this?” Well, isn’t it indeed. But since when do men get straight to the point???
Recently, CC shared with me that he was disappointed when I didn’t meet him out after a work event, where he was having a few drinks with friends. I pointed out that he hadn’t invited me. What I learned was that I’m always invited and that should go without saying. And that he talked about me and was showing my picture to everyone all night. I have stepped into an alternate universe. And I like it.
It’s just that I sometimes feel as lost as being in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language. I need to be reminded still that I’m wanted around as often as possible, with his friends, family and coworkers. I need to hear over and over again that it doesn’t matter what we’re doing or where we go to spend the day as long as we’re together. And yes, that makes me needy. But I’m learning that isn’t a death sentence.
While I’m not yet fluent in “healthy”, I have picked up a few things so far. I’ve learned that it’s okay to be exactly who I am; it’s okay to cry for no reason sometimes and to be otherwise “girly”. After all, I am a girl. I can dress up, dress down, be serious or silly and he loves me for it all. I’ve learned that there are men out there who want to be loved and want to share love just as much as women do. And they aren’t afraid to talk about it. And most importantly, I’ve learned never to settle for anyone who doesn’t help me learn to speak “healthy” as a second language. Lucky for me, my teacher’s very cute!
“If you knew how I wanted someone to come along And change my life the way you’ve done…If you knew how happy you are making me I never thought I’d love anyone so much…It feels like home to me” ~ Feels Like Home, Chantal Kreviazuk