I wake up every morning excited to see him again. He is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep. Inside his arms is the safest place in the world. and just feeling his fingers intertwine with mine makes me feel stronger. So why am I still terrified sometimes?
I belong to a group of people who blame themselves for everything. Well, everything except for blaming my parents for me being that way. Growing up, I got bullied a lot and would make up excuses to stay home from school because of it. And my parents would ask me “What did you do to piss someone off now?” Not exactly supportive or the things confidence is made of. When my sister and I would argue, it was somehow always my fault, leaving me to apologize for things I hadn’t done. Something that has, undoubtedly, trickled over into my romantic life.
Though I stand up for what I believe in, I’m not one for confrontation. I would rather just talk it out, learn a lesson and move forward. I don’t believe in name calling or pointing fingers and saying things just to hurt the other person. And, for this reason, I have often felt taken for granted in relationships. I’ve often apologized when I wasn’t the one in the wrong and have often let things slide when I should’ve defended myself. Ah, the lessons we learn growing up.
While I don’t allow myself to be a walking doormat anymore (and I thankfully don’t need to as CC treats me with love and respect) I do still hold onto somewhat of a sense that everything is my fault. Relationships aren’t perfect and, no matter what, we’re not always going to see eye to eye. Whether it’s deciding what to eat for dinner, where to go on vacation or when it’s time to move in together and start thinking about kids, couples have disagreements and that’s perfectly normal. Yet, even when I know I’ve done nothing wrong, I worry that these small things will be a reason for CC to leave me one day. Yes, I realize how codependent and crazy that sounds. But it’s a fear that has been engrained in me since I was a child and overcoming it is easier said then done.
I worry that when he’s screwed up and I’m mad at him for it, that’s also somehow my fault. Some people can’t admit when they’re wrong. Me? I say “I’m sorry” for everything. Old habits die hard but I’m working on it.
“Games, changes and fears When will they go from here When will they stop?” ~ I Try, Macy Gray