I’m living someone else’s life. In my life, I live in a beautiful stone and brick, water-front home, where I write best-selling novels from my deck, sipping my coffee and watching the sunrise over the water. Okay, fine, the sun is setting and it’s a glass of wine. That’s not the point. In this life, I can barely afford my one bedroom apartment, I have a nine-to-five job that causes me to drink more wine than I probably should and finding time to write is sometimes like trying to find the Holy Grail. In my life, I never have to miss my morning yoga and stress is a word I don’t understand. In this life, I am sometimes so stressed out that my hair hurts.
A few years ago, I went through multiple surgeries in a very short period of time to treat cervical cancer that my doctor found through a routine exam. Since then, my checkups have all come back “normal” and it was simply a distant memory. Until last week. During my annual check-up, my doctor found an “abnormality” in my test results and I have to go back in for a biopsy. To possibly start the surgery process all over again. I’ve come to terms with this; this is something I have proven once I can survive and I don’t even flinch at the thought of having to do it all again. What I do worry about is if it’s worse this time. I worry that surgery will need to be more severe, including the possibility of me not being able to have children in the future. It’s a lot to deal with and to have in the back of my mind every second of every day until I have an answer. The waiting is always a bitch. On top of all of this, the 21st is JJ’s birthday and my 80+ year old grandmother is back in the hospital. Starting to understand what causes someone’s hair to hurt?
I am nothing if not a strong woman. I am a survivor, or so people like to tell me. The thing is, I don’t want to be strong; I don’t want to survive. I want to just be able to enjoy life and get back the good I work hard at putting out to the world. I don’t want to hear any more of the clichés: One day at a time; We’re never given more than we can handle at one time; what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. The next person who reminds me how “strong” I am is going to get kicked in the face so they can learn just how strong my legs are. Why is it so wrong for us to just be honest with people in crappy situations and to say, “hey, that really sucks”? Honesty is the best policy, right?
In the spirit of honesty, my biggest fears are as follows: 1) that I won’t be able to have kids. I know there is always adoption or surrogacy, perfectly viable options that I would be willing to accept if I had to. But we all know it isn’t the same. 2) that all of this is going to start to make CC’s hair hurt too. Because I have to deal with the hand that life has dealt me but he doesn’t, he has the choice to walk away at any time. And that terrifies me.
Standing beside someone going through such a major life event is a lot to ask of anyone, even the most wonderful man or woman. So far, CC has been wonderful and has been going out of his way to spend as much time with me as possible, despite his busy schedule. And despite the fact that he thinks I don’t notice the extra effort and know why he’s doing it. And I am so incredibly grateful to have someone in my life who understands that right now, I just want someone around. Right now, I just need to relax at the beach or the park with an ice cream sundae. I’m thankful that he shares in my enjoyment of driving around the rich areas along the water and gazing out enviously at the stone and brick water-front homes, with their winding, gated driveways, that my other self is living in.
Maybe one day we’ll make that life a reality. Maybe we won’t. Maybe everything with my test results will come back just fine and I will have worried myself bald for nothing. Maybe it won’t. I can’t foresee the future. But I can stop and smell the roses or whatever the beautiful, big pink flowers at the Arboretum are. I can watch the geese swimming with their babies and get hissed at by a swan protecting his own young (yes that happened today!) It all reminds me that there is so much more to this world than my immediate drama and that there is still so much beauty and wonder that you can’t help but smile in the presence of. I can make the most of everything I have right now and not let the negatives take away from the positives. And I can say thank you to the person who has made this whole experience a little bit less scary because I’m not in it alone. And that’s a life worth living in.
“Feels like deja vu Don’t know how or what to do I point my finger to the sky Finally ask the question why Whose life am I in? Now the answer to this question is there really isn’t one Cause life is positively indecisive It takes a lot of work having this much fun Sifting through this beautiful crisis” ~ Whose Life Am I In, Shedaisy