I’m not a clingy person. I like my alone time. I’ve often thought that, even when I get married, I’ll need my own room. Not to sleep in but just to…be. My Books, my desk, laptop, yoga mat, candles. The things that make me, well…me. I have never been an insecure woman who gets needy and is constantly checking my phone to see if I missed a call or a text. Except for when I did.
My last serious relationship, I felt like I was always grasping at a chance to be together. In his defense, his work schedule was hectic, sometimes working till 10:00pm, when I would already be in bed or about to go to bed. He worked some Saturdays, too, but not all the time. And yet, I found myself taking time off of work to do things together on his day off during the week. I would listen to him say things about how he doesn’t always want to spend his one day off a week doing relationship things or how he is tired and wants time to himself or time with the boys. I could never understand why he couldn’t spend time with the boys and time with me together. I knew his boys. Me and his boys were boys, so to speak.
It wasn’t that he didn’t like me, we were together for a year and a half, there had to have been something there. But I saw myself turn into one of those women, the women who will drop everything in their own lives when their man is ready to spend time together. I had to take what I could get because it didn’t come around nearly as often as it should. As I noticed myself morphing into a Clingon (not to be confused with Klingons), I couldn’t help but wonder why.
Originally, I thought that, as I was getting older, I was getting more needy, wanting to quickly find someone to settle down with and wanting an insta-relationship: just add water and plenty of sunlight. I know now that I haven’t really changed at all, that he just wasn’t right for me.
My relationship now is exactly where I had hoped to be. We spend a lot of our free time together but we still have our own lives. I feel okay in saying that I already made plans with “the girls” and can’t see him because I know I will have plenty of time to see him the day after or the day after that. I don’t have to take what I can get because CC wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. And when we get super busy, we somehow find a way to make it work. This weekend, for example, CC had a construction job to do out East. So I woke up early, threw my camera and laptop in the car and went with him. After dropping CC off, I had a few hours to drive around the gorgeous East End of Long Island, pulling over to take photos and to write when I felt inspired. Afterwards, I had the rest of the day to have lunch with CC and just enjoy the beautiful day. Can we say Briermere’s anyone?
He goes food shopping with me for dinner without rolling his eyes. He even reminds me that I wanted to go to the supermarket to catch a good sale (yes, I’m a circular reader) when I forgot all about it. He stops me in the middle of a walk just to kiss me like there’s no one else around. It is the smallest things that make me realize just how big they truly are.
There are no signs left of the girl who frantically checked to make sure she didn’t accidentally turn her cell phone off. She is in the past, where she should be. And I hope to never meet her again. Being in an adult relationship is nice. I should’ve tried it a long time ago.
“And every time you notice me By holding me closely And saying sweet things I don’t believe that it could be You speakin’ your mind And saying the real thing My feet have broke free… The little things you do to me Are taking me over” ~ The Little Things, Colbie Caillat