My last two posts have been about choosing our battles in relationships and deciding when it’s worth taking a chance on someone. Right now, these are two topics that couldn’t be more relevant in my life.
I have been spending a lot of time with someone the past two months and, for the most part, I’ve been pretty happy. To be honest, CC isn’t at all what I expected. I usually go for the tall, dark and handsome boys who are bad on the outside and sweet on the inside. CC isn’t much taller than I am and in fact, seeing as I’m mostly leg, my inseams are actually longer than his. I’m only 5’2″. I will admit that, at first, this was really uncomfortable for me. I have always liked the idea of being able to curl up into my big, strong man and have him wrap himself around me. I like standing on my tip-toes to kiss. And I love my four-inch heels. But, true to one of my New Year’s Resolutions, I decided to look past such a trivial shortcoming (pun intended) to see what lied beneath. After all, CC is smart, driven, kind and funny. He thinks my quirks are cute and managed to survive a shopping trip with me. (Although shoe shopping is a whole separate adventure.) And, while my feet come past his when we spoon, he wraps his strong arms around me and kisses the top of my head and I forget all about my superficial nonsense.
Recently, I had an opportunity to meet and network with a few influential people in the entertainment industry. For those of you who are fellow writers or otherwise involved in the industry, you can appreciate the importance of not passing up those opportunities. Our industry is all about catching breaks and, for most of us, they don’t come by all that often. My last “big break” was seven years ago, when I wrote an article for Cosmopolitan. The biggest woman’s magazine in the nation and even that wasn’t enough to launch my career. Or even help me publish another article. Seven years and my career is exactly where it was B.C. (Before Cosmo): non-existent.
I could’ve invited a hundred other people to go with me to this event but I invited CC. CC had made a point of saying how much he cared about me and wanted to start spending more time together and so, while it wasn’t quite a leap, I did decide to take a short hop forward and invite him as my date. One hour before CC and I had to leave for the event, he decided he wasn’t going to go. He was tired and just didn’t want to. Last minute on a Friday night, CC knew I would never be able to find a replacement and that, by him not going, I wouldn’t be going either. And still, he let me down. And there it was, the shoe dropping. I don’t remember the last time I was so crushed.
CC has since apologized, of course, saying all the right things; that he doesn’t want to ever let me down like that again and that he regrets his decision. I’m not sure I know how to move forward from this point, though. Writing is my dream, my passion and I’m good at it. I hope to one day be able to leave my 9-5, stress-filled job behind and be able to focus 100% on writing whether it be a column or finally finishing a book. I need to take advantage of every opportunity that comes my way, big or small. And if I’m going to be involved with someone, I expect that person to believe in me and support me. Two months is still pretty early into a “relationship” and I’m pretty sure that still qualifies as the phase during which you’re supposed to be impressing each other. If CC let me down in such a huge way so early on, how am I supposed to have faith that he won’t do it again in the future? Saying it is one thing but doing it is another. And CC? He has his own small start-up business and I have supported his success every chance I’ve had.
There are a lot of positives that I have seen with CC and I’m hesitant to walk away from something that has been working so far. But I’m also hesitant to stick around after being let down the very first time I’ve needed him. When your stats are 0-1, well that’s not a good start to a season, is it? My last serious relationship had a lot of positives as well but it was all about Doc. If there was something he didn’t want to do or somewhere he didn’t want to go, he didn’t. Whether or not something was important to me or would make me happy was inconsequential. But relationships are about compromise, about doing things to support the person you care about and about doing things to make that person happy. And so, here I am, completely confused and lost. And in desperate need of some shopping therapy.
“Have you ever Wondered why it is we fall in love Can you tell me Do you know what it is you’re looking for What do we need Can you tell me why I care How is it that we hear That voice that says i want you there…In a single moment you might be perfect And sit In a window of my life But how much how much more will I get to see? Thanks for being fuel for thought” ~ Lovesong, Amiel