I come on too strong. A fact I’ve been told many times and have been aware of on some level without anyone pointing it out to me, thank you. I wasn’t always that way, though. In fact, for most of my life, I was the complete opposite. I have attributed the change in my over eager behavior to the loss of Jimi and “living for the moment” but I think it’s time that I admit that it comes down to a little bit more than that.
When I was a twenty-something, I wasn’t in a rush to do anything. I had my whole life ahead of me and dating and relationships were just about having fun. I spent time getting to know people and, most importantly, I had my own life. My “girls” were the most important thing in the world to me and a close second was figuring out what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn’t look at every new guy I met as a potential husband or father of my future children. I just took it for what it was and went with the flow.
I’ve watched a lot of people basically lose their minds when they turned thirty. It was easy to say back then “it’s just a number” or “it’s just another birthday.” All of the drama was completely foreign to me. Until I woke up on my thirtieth birthday and suddenly morphed into this unrecognizable, baby crazy, psycho-person.
As a new year is about to start, I think it’s finally time for me to admit that…I’m not perfect! Whew, that was tough. While I certainly have met and dated my share of creeps and jerks, I can’t place all of the blame on my still being single on everyone else. The one constant is me. And the truth is, I have become so obsessed with getting older and the “ticking clock” that I have stopped just enjoying one of the best parts of dating: getting to know each other. To be true to myself and place some of the blame outside of myself, technology has sort of sped up the process of getting to know each other. With Facebook, Twitter, Skype or Face Time and text messaging, it’s very easy to instantly become a big part of each other’s lives. And it’s a difficult trap to not fall into. I am absolutely, 100% guilty as charged. And, rather than take my time being excited for that next phone call, for waiting until the next date and letting things slowly unravel, I have fallen victim to what I refer to as desperation dating. After one or two dates, we are texting back and forth all day and getting jealous about what he’s doing when we’re not together. While it takes two to tango, women are hardwired to like this kind of attention. Men, are not. So, without fail, they eventually flip the switch and run in the other direction, accusing me of being “too emotional” or of things moving too quickly. And they are right.
I have never felt like I fit in where I grew up. I believe that I am very different from the typical people who live around me and I moved away right after high school, swearing I would never move back. Somehow, I found my way almost right back where I started from (a measly twenty minutes away) and, as a result, my social circle is incredibly small. I’m choosy about the people I let into and keep in my life and I have a hard time finding people around here that fall into that category. Which means, it can be lonely sometimes. I’m also one of the last few single people my age alive. Anywhere. Okay, so that’s dramatic but sometimes it feels that way. Sometimes it feels like this is what the rest of my life is going to be and that’s just depressing. But, truth be told, my life is pretty good.
I have a great job (okay a good job that pays the bills) and the few friends I do keep close to me are great people who bring laughter and joy to my life. Maybe I’m not exactly where the twenty-something me thought I would be right now but life isn’t always what we expect. With the start of a new year, I’ve made a resolution to stop worrying about the future and what I don’t have right now (a family) and enjoying what I do have every single day. Attitude is a choice and I’m choosing to be happy. I am choosing to live my life in the moment, to enjoy the people I come across and to not worry so much about what it’s going to turn into. Men are like dogs: they can smell fear. And the fact that I have babies on the brain and go from meeting to wanting to get knocked up in 2.4 seconds flat is definitely going to trigger something. And not something good.
For 2012, it is the end of the world, so to speak. It’s the end of this world of craziness and desperation and ohmigosh I need to move forward with my life. There’s nothing wrong with my life where it is right now! I’m taking a photography class and doing some new things just for me.
So, here are my resolutions for 2012. What resolutions have you made?
- Set aside at least one hour, every day, for me. No cell phone, no TV and no internet. Just me time.
- Travel someplace new once a year
- Spend more time with friends
- Worry less about the future
- Smile at the cute guy in the coffee shop. So what if he thinks I’m checking him out? I am!
- Slow down and just enjoy dating/new relationships for what they are. If something more is meant to be, it will happen.
“It’s the end of the world as we know it And I feel fine!” ~ It’s the End of the World – R.E.M.