It seems as if every day, another one of my friends gets engaged or married or announces their pregnancy. Everyone seems to be taking that next step in their lives but me. I’m still here, singing karaoke in the bar on a Thursday night. I never thought those things were important to me; I used to swear I would never get married or have kids. Truthfully though, I’ve done the party all night thing. While I still enjoy a night out with good friends, there is a part of me that wishes I had diapers to change and little feet to tickle. And that part of me grows by the day.
As I look around me at happy couples and the women who have somehow figured out how to obtain the two things that allude me, I can’t help but wonder: why them and not me? Maybe it’s a Long Island thing but I’ve noticed that a lot of these women are liars or cheaters or, at the very least, manipulative. They are the girls who played games while dating. They let the calls from the men they like go to voicemail and then they wait a day or so to call them back. They say they have plans when their “plans” are to sit at home, do a home facial and pedicure while watching chick-flicks. Is this what it takes to find happily ever after?
I have always been the kind of person who wears my heart on my sleeve. Good or bad, I say how I feel and people always know where they stand with me. When Jimi died, it definitely reinforced this for me. There were so many things I didn’t say to him that I should have. I can’t help but wonder if I had said “I love you” before he wound up in the hospital, if maybe he never would have gotten to that point. Maybe nothing I said would have changed the future but, at the very least, he would have known how much he meant to me. Don’t we all deserve to know that? I learned an important lesson; there isn’t always tomorrow. We have to show and tell the people we care about how much they mean to us today, right now.
So, I answer my phone when someone I want to talk to calls. I respond to my texts right away and if I want to spend time with someone, I will make every effort. I don’t say I’m busy when I’m not and if I’m thinking about someone, I let them know. I like games as much as the next person; Monopoly, Dirty Minds, Guess Who. I’m not into dating games though, I think they’re exhausting and dishonest and such a huge waste of time. But is this why I’m still single?
When you’re open with guys about your feelings early on, it tends to scare them off. I started dating a guy, “Curly” about two years ago who I liked a lot. He’s from a big family and he’s very close with them. That’s always been important to me seeing as I’m not particularly close to mine. He’s involved in a lot of charity events and he is the kind of guy who will bring me lunch when I’m home sick from work. When we first met, I thought he was an arrogant, womanizing jerk. Then, I got to know him a little and realized I’m not such a great judge of character after all. And so, I put my heart out there and made the attempt to spend more time together. I told him I was into him. And he ran, screaming, like a bat out of hell.
I recently started talking to “Curly” again and we finally talked about why things didn’t work out in the past. He was very clear that I had come on a little too strong. We’ve all heard that guys like the chase. I’ve always felt like I would rather spend an extra two months enjoying each other’s company and getting to know each other than playing games and making someone try to “catch” me. Am I wrong, though? Am I shooting myself in the foot by being so honest? Do I need to start letting my calls go to voicemail and be less available? I have kept my feelings to myself this time and, while it isn’t easy, it seems to be working so far. Until he reads this post, I suppose. I think this is the first time I’m hoping someone doesn’t read my blog!
“Trouble is I like the taste too much and I can’t think straight People change, and will you still be here after today Trouble is I feel like I could win or lose it all I don’t know which way to fall” ~ Trouble Is, Allison Iraheta