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Dating, Love, Relationships, Romance, Sex, Uncategorized

Pinocchio: Rated X

There is a type of man who I fear most women have had the misfortune of meeting.  Let’s call him “Mr. Big”.  He’s not the charming but shady older gentleman that Carrie fell in love with.  No, he’s the guy who feels the need to talk about how big “it” is.  You know the type.  “It’s so big.”  “I’m gonna hit spots you didn’t know you had.”  “I hope I don’t hurt you.”  Of course, there is a time and a place for this kind of dirty talk and it can be fun.  But there should be some law regarding false advertising when it comes to penis size.  There is nothing more disappointing than hearing about how big “it” is only to find out that there are pencils thicker than what he’s packing.

We’ve all heard the phrase “locker room talk” but, let’s be honest, after high school, women kiss and tell more than men do.  And we discuss details.  And size?  That’s definitely a detail we discuss.  Like anything else in life, they come in all shapes and sizes and, well, let’s not even get into discussing different shapes.  But when it comes to size?  The consensus is that girth is more important than length.  And, yes boys, size does matter.  There is also such a thing as too big but, in the spirit of honesty, that doesn’t happen all that often.  And when it does, most women are willing to at least give it the ‘old college try’.

Most men fall in the middle somewhere, though, which isn’t a bad thing.  It’s like Goldilocks trying to find the perfect bed to sleep in; No one wants one that’s too big or too small, we’re looking for Mr. Just Right and that can fluctuate a bit within a certain range.  Truth be told, when a guy is attentive and knows what he’s doing, most women aren’t even going to notice if you fall a little below average down there.  The problem is when men build it up to be something there is no way it can ever live up to.

I’ve put a lot of thought into this phenomenon.    When you build up impossible expectations that way, aren’t you just selling your penis short (no pun intended)?  I’ve come up with two theories and they are as follows:

1) Men really have absolutely no concept of the size of theirs in comparison to others and, despite the fact that my middle finger may be bigger than what they’re packing, they truly believe that “it is so big.”

2) This is the theory that I refer to as the Pinocchio Phenomenon.  We all know the children’s movie with the wooden puppet who wants to become a real boy.  Every time he lies, his nose grows.  I can’t help but wonder if these Mr. Bigs believe that the more they lie about their penis size, the more it will grow and, eventually, it really will “hit spots you never knew you had.”  I’m no scientist but I don’t think this is ever going to actually work.

Yes, boys, size counts.  But not as much as you might think.  Women are more emotional about sex then men are and, in my experience, its more about what you do then what you have.  But if you’re going to talk about what you have, make sure you’re being truthful.  Once you bring up size, we’re going to be paying attention to it and if you can’t back up all the talk, you’re just leaving us disappointed.  Sure, women lie about the size of everything, with push up bras, padded bras, “chicken cutlets” for inside the bras.  We even have pants now that make our butts look bigger.  But, at the end of the day, none of those things affect sexual pleasure.

There is a saying that those who talk the most have the least to talk about and I’m learning that holds true in this area as well.  The lesson to be learned here?  Girls: when you run into one of these “I’m gonna leave you walking funny” guys?  Chances are he’s probably not and you should be prepared for David the Gnome rather than King Kong.  And guys: if you can’t back it up, find something else to talk about it.  Pinocchio isn’t real.

“It’s too big, it’s too wide It’s too strong, it won’t fit It’s too much, it’s too tough He talks like this ’cause he can back it up He got a big ego, such a huge ego” Ego ~ Beyonce


About Murphy's Law

You know that cliche that whatever can go wrong will go wrong? Can you think of anywhere else this holds more true than in the dating world? Ever had to change your phone number because someone sent you 150 texts in one day? Or go on a first date with someone you met online, only to find out that there's a reason he was holding his niece in front of half of his face in all of his pictures? Or take you to dinner only to have his ex-girlfriend as your waitress? Yes, the dating world is scary. But the good news is, you're not alone!


One thought on “Pinocchio: Rated X

  1. LOVE IT!!! It’s much like figuring out D sized boobs are the same as A sized ones right? Well I suppose it’s a bit different since boobs don’t really give you the sort of pleasure that penis’ do!!!

    Posted by Rachael | August 21, 2011, 11:28 AM

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