Okay so I know I said the first post would be Fun with Dick and Jane. But, I realize I’ve been gone for a LONG time, so long that some of you weren’t around to read the old blog. So, before I jump right into why Dick is…well, a dick, let me catch you up to speed as best as I can.
Three years ago, the guy I was seeing and my best friend in the world committed suicide. Rather than deal with the loss, I did what I do best and I immediately jumped into a new relationship. He was seven years older than me with a seven year old daughter. As could only happen in my life, his daughter actually looked like me. Clearly, she was beautiful. That relationship ended in disaster when I caught him cheating on me with the girl who lived downstairs AND with one of those girls on MySpace with the skanky pics and WhO tYpEs EveRYthInG liKE tHIs. (And was a teacher in CT. Seriously. You can be certain I contacted the Board of Ed regarding her questionable pictures online and her inability to spell.) Before I even got the chance to call him out on it, he “broke up” with me…by sending me an email and changing his relationship status on MySpace. I mean, really, aren’t we supposed to be adults?
After that, I went on a bit of a dating hiatus. Let’s be honest, if that’s what’s out there for me, who wants to even bother leaving the house? And so, I finally let myself come to terms with JJ’s death. By come to terms I mean that I adopted an oxycodone habit which I coupled with drinking my weight in beer and vodka. About five minutes before I was probably going to get fired from my job and OD on my kitchen floor, I picked myself up, threw my ass into therapy and got it together. And, wouldn’t you know, a few months later, I met Army Boy.
I hated Army Boy. He was arrogant, obnoxious and would show up to work drunk. But he was also hot as hell. When I found out that he was being deployed to Iraq a week later, this of course seemed like the perfect relationship to me. Makes perfect sense, right? It was actually the anniversary of JJ’s death and Army Boy brought me breakfast and spent the whole day with me. Its still one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me and he actually turned out to be an amazing person. Well, a week later, he was in Texas preparing to go to war. He flew me out to Fort Bliss (seriously, that’s the name. How cute is that?) to spend his last week in the states with him and it was an incredible trip. I climbed a mountain, made a friend I believe I will have for a lifetime, ate at Sonic for the first time (YUM!), ate at the greatest steakhouse ever (there are actually cows outside) and, oh yea, got knocked up. I found out about a month after Army Boy left. First, it was good. Then it was very, very bad. Then it got really, really good. As in picking out names and planning to move to Florida together when he got back from Iraq. And then I lost the baby. And it went from really, really good to Wes Craven nightmare. (I can’t say too much more about this because the book will hopefully be coming out soon!) I never knew that someone who told you they loved you could cause so much hurt. I swore off men forever at that point.
That lasted about six months. Until I met a very cute bouncer at a local bar who made me smile. So what that his ex was pregnant with their baby? (Are you catching on that I don’t have the best judgement when it comes to my love life?) This wasn’t going to be anything serious for me anyway, just a way to get back into the game. Until I then met a very sexy bartender who happened to work at the same bar as the bouncer. Tricky but not impossible. And, actually, I got away with it for a couple of months until I actually outed myself to them. And chose the sexy little bartender. Who although he has a wonderful heart and it was well worth the sex (who knew I could still manage to do it in a car at 28 years old?), turned out to be a huge waste of my time. We are, however, still friends. So I will watch what I say about him in case he is reading this! And the bouncer? He now has a very beautiful little baby girl who he sends me pictures of every now and then. And he is back with his baby’s mama. Obviously.
While I was still open to the whole dating experience, I had given up hope at this point that there was still the “nice guy” out there. And then, while telling off one of those not-so-nice-guys in a bar, I met his very cute and very nice friend. We’ll call him Doc. He was handsome, funny, kind and…a doctor. Too good to be true, right? So, after playing coy for weeks, I finally agreed to go out with him and it was pretty much an insta-relationship after that. I could tell him about all of the baggage from my past, let’s face it, I come with plenty, and he barely even flinched. He was just a great guy and I really thought it would last forever. Until it didn’t.
See, the thing is, it really is all about timing with relationships. My family will waste no time reminding me that I’m 30 and not getting any younger. With no man, no children. How I even manage to get out of bed in the morning is a mystery, right? Well I never thought I wanted children until it almost happened and then, well, it became all I could think about. I swear, I think I’m a step away from lactating when I hear someone else’s baby cry. Its sickening. But, Doc is four years younger than me and not ready to take those steps yet, even after being together for a year and a half. I can’t blame him, really. When I was 26 I was living in Fort Lauderdale, dancing on bars and hooking up with the drummer in the band. If someone had tried to get me to live with them and pop out babies I would’ve joined WITSEC. And so, another one bites the dust.
And, so, here I am. Single and 30. THIRTY! I remember when that seemed so ancient to me. And as long as I can pass for 18, I will continue to tell people I am only 25. At a time when I thought I would have published a book, married the man of my dreams and traveled the world, my life couldn’t be further from the truth. I haven’t published anything since my article in Cosmopolitan…six years ago. I’m married to Chips Ahoy ice cream and the rabbit and I don’t even have a passport. What I do have? Fabulous friends, a great job where I meet all sorts of interesting people (more of that to come) and I still have a fabulous ass. Things could be worse.
So, as I plunge back into the scary world of dating, I need all of the support I can get. There have been a few encounters of the strange kind since Doc that I haven’t mentioned here because, hey, they’re the upcoming blogs! At the end of the day though, I haven’t given up hope. Whether or not there is such a thing as fate or soul mates, I’m not sure I’ll ever know. But I do know that there is someone out there, somewhere, who is right for me. Maybe that makes me hopeful, maybe it makes me a fool. But its what gets me out of bed each morning. That and cinnamon dolce lattes. And whipped vodka with orange soda (Whipsicles).
“I want somebody who can hold my interest Hold it and never let it fall Someone who can flatten me with a kiss that hits like a fist Or a sentence that stops me like a brick wall …I want somebody who can make me scream until its funny Give me a run for my money I want someone who can tie me up in knots Tell me, for the woman who has everything, What have YOU got?” Asking Too Much ~ Ani DiFranco